negative self talk kills me. 

“I’m ugly”

“I’m worthless”

“I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I messed that up again!?”

not just me though, according to a recent study a whopping 97% of women have at least one negative thought about themselves  per day – and that’s just about their appearance.  

i know i have far more. 

appearance wise, and in other terms.

in my mind, love is earned by productivity…and perfection.  respect is garnered likewise. 

“don’t try things only to fail at them, so either be entirely successful out of the gate or don’t do it.”

as ludicrous as it sounds, this would be the philosophy which largely governs my actions.

those haunting, nagging, voices which gnash away at the tender form of my soul.

that voice is not my God.

yet this persistent, horrific heckle proves to be my idol as i pay the voice far more heed than that of my Lord.

so perhaps the following insights are out of context, but you must know that this is mine (and many women’s) realities.  we hate ourselves.  admittedly or not.  we lack confidence. and (read this if nothing else)

This insecurity is not of God! 

Psalm 38 (v. 6-15)

   I am bowed down and brought very low; 
all day long I go about mourning. 
    My back is filled with searing pain; 
 there is no health in my body. 
    I am feeble and utterly crushed;
   I groan in anguish of heart.

  All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
   my sighing is not hidden from you. 
My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
   even the light has gone from my eyes. 
My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
   my neighbors stay far away. 
Those who want to kill me set their traps,
   those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
   all day long they scheme and lie.

 I am like the deaf, who cannot hear,
   like the mute, who cannot speak; 
I have become like one who does not hear,
   whose mouth can offer no reply. 
LORD, I wait for you;
   you will answer, Lord my God.

i didn’t look up the Hebrew on this.  nor the historical cultural context.  this was just me, Jesus and a cup of coffee. 

i walk around so burdened some days, so defeated. 

a few weeks back i was having an AWESOME day (that’s a legit awesome, mind you, not sarcastic) and Ben commented on my demeanor

“You’re so…happy today!?”

he stated, slightly bewildered but decidedly enthusiastic about my attitude.

gotta love a blunt husband.

i would consider myself a happy person, but maybe reality is more that i’m not an unhappy person.

these nagging doubts and put-downs in my soul, they bring me down man, not to get too 1970’s on you.

i really get those first few verses, how true of my own life:

  ” i’m burdened, feeling lower than dirt.  and all day long, i feel like pieces of me are dying.  my back hurts, my head hurts. gosh!  i’m such an unhealthy slob!  i can’t do this, i’m not strong enough”

that’s how i would write verses 6-8 anyway.  anyone relate?

but

all our longings, those deep desires, the little haunting voices that carry with them big side effects…all lie wide open, spread eagle before our Lord.

God sees the sighs.

hears the hateful thoughts.

“my precious gem,”

He softly and lovingly runs His clay-covered, Master’s fingertips across the cheeks He so gingerly formed,

“you are so loved, perfectly formed in every way.  gifted just as I intended.  come to me, weary and burdened daughter, let me give you rest.”

but i am so hell-bent on being superwoman i keep carrying on as if i run this life.  right.

so my strength fails, mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically, spriritually – it’s all wrapped up together. 

i cease to be fun to be around, a mere shell of who i was created to be.  opaque and fragile, like snakes discarded skin instead of the gloriously crafted vessel i was designed to be.

“those who want to kill me set their traps

those who would harm me talk of my ruin…”

over and over we see that the devil only comes to steal, kill and destroy.  he is the one who sets these traps of negativity that would destroy us, and certainly that greatly diminish – if not completely destroy – our ability to glorify God in our day to day life. 

a joyless, hollow, defeated creature bears a poor witness to their Creator indeed.

not that i’m suggesting we all become bombastic, high-voltage smile machine christians.  i believe the mid-90’s christian pop music scene tried that.  epic fail. 

but real life.

full life.

and true joy, that runs beyond circumstance and cries out louder than any inward doubt.

shalom.  a wholeness that speaks the truth that in Christ and because of Christ we are complete in this moment.

here’s my favorite verse:

“i am like the deaf who cannot hear”

as previously stated, this is very contextual and not in the slightest exegetical (from the original language) or historical.  this is me, Bible, and coffee.

i prayed today that God would deafen me to all but His Spirit within me and that which the Spirit would bring to my attention.

i just want to hear You, Lord

i think we have, and i know i have, spent far to much time lending our ears to one voice whilst deafening our ears to the only Voice that matters. 

so deafen my ears Lord, that i may hear and believe your Spirit within me. allow me to hear the world through Your ears, not my own.  let me hear the truth of who i am as your beloved and be deaf to all that would seek to drag me away from that.

♥ meg