I’ve started to catch myself doing it.

 

I’ll say something

funny

provocative

insightful.

 

But I won’t let it stand on it’s own two feet.

 

I won’t let the words ring with the undertones of the Holy Spirit within me.

 

I cast a sideways glance.

 

My eyes betray me.  They speak volumes of the confidence I lack.

In myself.

In my God.

 

“did they like it?”

“are they laughing?”

“did that sound stupid?”

 

I undercut myself, because I can’t seem to find within myself the truth that I am good enough.

 

I teach grace,

I give to all but myself.

 

I teach love,

but do I truly love myself?

 

Those pesky, driving, can’t stop them sideways glances.

Every twitch in my ocular muscles betraying me.

Not good enough.

Do they approve?

 

I rip my God-given dignity out of my Saviors hands and toss it haphazardly into the brothel of human approval.

 

All with a glance.

Just to see.  Just because I’m curious.

 

Do they like me?

 

My demons lie in wait in my eyes and in my heart; so desperate to receive the gold stars, check marks, laughs and high fives.

I’m sick.

 

I try to train my eyes; to train my heart.  I pray for healing from this addiction to approval.

 

“Just say it. No, don’t look.  No, that is what you mean.  No, you really do think that.  Just say it.”

 

I am oftentimes (most of the time) my own worst enemy.

 

I hold back.

I don’t try.

I’m afraid to dream so big.

 

What if I’m not enough.

When I have drank deeply of the One who never runs dry.

What a silly, insulting wondering.

 

What if I’m wrong.

When I am held by unfailing, unchanging grace.

 

“Gently encourage the stragglers, and reach out for the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other’s nerves you don’t snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out. Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.

Don’t suppress the Spirit, and don’t stifle those who have a word from the Master.”

 

even (especially) when I would stifle myself.