As I sit here trying to look back on this past year, I find myself feeling a little lost.

 

I know completely, 100% who I am in this moment. I could tell you what breaks my heart, kick starts my mind or ignites my soul right off the top of my head. I could tell you those things which will keep me up at night, thinking, reading, discussing, bawling my eyes out. And I feel pretty good about that, blessed if you will. Not everyone knows those things about themselves, so I am thankful to have discovered me this year.

 

I also know completely, 100% where I was a year ago. My first post of 2012 was about decorating for Christmas and my breakfast recipes – which is totally fine. I actually highly recommend trying my gorilla bread recipe – as long as you don’t mind potentially developing diabetes.

I feel lost though when I try to think through Point A – Christmas decorations and gorilla bread – to Point B – women’s rights, slavery and assorted other justice-related humanitarian issues. I know there was a baby born, some books read, a few counseling sessions attended, and somewhere in the midst a scorching mama-bear fire lit and soon engulfing the deepest place of me. The details are blurry, but lack of sleep and too much coffee will do such things to a person.

 

A year of “transition” seems altogether wimpy.

“A chaotic hurricane of the soul” or “The alteration of my visceral understanding of myself” would perhaps be more suitable.

 

For the first time in a few years though, I feel like myself.

Like the colors have been filled back in, and not in pale vacant hues longing for the colors of the past.

 

 

(photo credit: Doreen Piper)

I pushed the most fantastic, spunky – and sometimes infuriating – tiny human out of my body in February. There were no drugs. There was a lot of Misty Edwards and a lot of crying. There were also wonderful women – my dear friends. Eshet Chayil! My own personal women of valor – you know who you are.

 

This transitional season was intense enough that I wrote not one but two posts about trying to discern where my writing should go from here.

 

I read. I read a lot. Books, bloggers, anything I could get my hands on.

I began to see myself in a different light. I began to understand that God’s redemptive act on my life and the lives of my sisters worldwide may be much grander than I had ever imagined or dared to dream.

I started to be proud of the fact that I am a woman.

 

I discovered I have not rid myself of prejudice, only shifted it to another group of people. I still have much to learn.

 

I was convicted by the immense faith this woman.

 

I was honored and giddy beyond belief to be selected to review an advanced copy of Rachel Held Evans book A Year of Biblical Womanhood…and then to be a part of my first ever group blogging project over at Soul Munchies.

 

I got a little angry about the way that most evangelical churches seem to think we should be teaching our kids about Jesus.

 

I tweaked some recipes and put together the most fantastic, perfect, glorious-high-heaven in a cookie. I don’t plan to share a ton of recipes moving forward on this forum, but they were that good.

 

I started rethinking Christmas traditions and as the season grew closer and the tragedies mounted, I found the truth of God in a manger so painfully real for the first time in my 13 years of following Jesus.

 

Trying to be more intentional and disciplined (okay, and really just to keep myself accountable to actually write) I started the Meditation Monday feature. I missed a few, but I at least thought about writing every single Monday.

 

…and I lost all of my baby weight and then some.

(Just because I needed to brag about that a little)

 

 

Thank you for reading as I have journeyed, discovered and weathered this year. Thank you for your encouragement, your comments – in person or on the blog.

Thank you for joining me on this path, here’s to the continued wandering deeper into the heart of Love itself.

 

So what makes it on to your 2012 highlight reel?